Being good enough?

Okay, so today I had a long day of work and I was supposed to meet up with a friend to get some boba with her after work. Unfortunately I forgot about her… and I feel like shit for doing so. Granted, I had a headache and it was a very tiring day at work (today was exceptionally busy for some reason). But the fact is: I forgot.

For the people that don’t know me, I’m a type of person where I rarely never miss previously planned engagements, meetings, phone calls, etc, you name it, I rarely miss it. The times I do, I feel really bad because I either made the person feel sad or get angry at me, I hate that feeling when stuff like that happens. Some people can just let it go and be whatever with it, but I can’t. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t go begging for their forgiveness and go out of my way, because what’s done is done, you can’t turn back time. Because of this certain thing today, it lead me to a couple of thoughts of why I am like this.

My conclusion is this… As I was growing up, I was raised by my father who is a: Perfectionist (that’s an understatement I think). Whatever I did, nothing was on par with what he wanted, he always wanted more. It felt like whatever I did, nothing was up to his expectations, I think that molded me into who I am today. I try to make sure that whatever I do, I do it right, and do it well. Whenever I did something that was not up to his expectations, I felt like I let him down and myself down, which makes me hate letting others down or feel upset because of me.

I pride myself on being a secure person that knows what he wants, what he is capable of, and what he needs, etc. I just find it funny how I just realized that even with all that, I am insecure with the fact that I am always thinking I’m not doing enough to satisfy somebody else. I always try to make myself satisfy everybody in someway, I realize I can’t do this all the time, so I focus on the times that I know I can. (like meeting with somebody for drinks) But when I fail to do a simple thing like that, it messes with my head so much, although I don’t show it outside, inside I’m pretty much torn up.

I’m thinking about starting smoking again… I don’t know yet. Cigarette taxes went up, fuckers want like 7 dollars for a pack these days. That’s holding me back.. I think I’m going to go for a drive to clear my head.

PS.

On a side note, I have everything for my car in my room except the camber kits that I’m picking up on Monday… BUT NO WHERE TO INSTALL THE CRAP. It’s like being ready for sex, condom, bed, and horny and all that, but no girl. Fail. FML.

You’d feel the way I do with these sitting right behind you.

I think I’m overreacting…

So for the past 3 weeks, ever since I got sick, I’ve been behind on my school work, I’m going to stay up a bit tonight trying to finish all the shit I didn’t and try to catch up. I didn’t go to school for one week because of my cold and that fucked me up bad, I’m glad that all the classes I’m taking are Gen Ed’s, so I don’t care if I pass with a “D”, I just want to finish this semester and start over fresh. I’ve been working 25+ hours a week and going to school full time, I’m pretty burned out. I’m making good money and I’m finishing up one part of my car project rather quickly that I’m happy about, but there are some things on my mind that are nagging at me. I quit smoking a month ago… again. I’m sad to say that I just finished a cigarette about 5 minutes ago, I can’t help it I guess, I’m pretty stressed as of late. I quit smoking for myself, nobody else, I would like to point that out… It’s my life, I’ll do what I damn well please with it and I told myself not to smoke, but I guess breaking a promise to myself is better than breaking a promise to somebody else.

Where to start..?

Work. Ah, yes, work. Work is great, chill co-workers and chill managers, the days lately have been tiring because a few employees have decided not to show up which causes the rest of us to pick up their slack. I’m going to be working at the Temple City store and Chino Hills store at the same time for 2 weeks in June, I’ll probably be working a combined load of 50 hours or so, which is pretty bank for me. The downside to this is that I’m going to probably end up tired as hell all the time with no time for freedom. At work, I’m pretty stress-free, all I think about is just finishing what I’m supposed to be doing and nothing else really. I like it.

School… school this semester is pointless I think, I have 3 classes that I am taking, Management Principles of Business, Composition, and Business Information Systems. My management class is great, I love the teacher and I actually learn something new, which I love to do. I have a 100% in that class and I enjoy the class very much, I actually look forward to going to that class every week. My other two classes.. I can’t say the same. My English class is a joke, it feels that I am in a ELD class, I’ve learned what I’m being “taught” for 2 straight years now, once in my senior year of high school and once at PCC. I really don’t even know why I have to take this AGAIN. My BIS class… That is a complete joke, the teacher is basically learning what she’s “teaching” us as she teaches. She can barely solve her own problems that she gives out and has the same troubles as people who are learning. It is a bullshit class. If you can’t tell by now, I am person who enjoys learning and learning NEW things. Since these classes are Gen Ed, I just want a passing “D” and get over it.

I love writing on this blog.. it helps me relieve so much stress and helps me get rid of my thoughts. Like I’ve said in my other posts, I can’t really have a heart-to-heart with anybody I know so I pour out my emotions onto this piece of HTML on the web. I really don’t care if anybody reads this or not, it’s basically my online public journal, enjoy it I guess.

Onto serious matters…

Emotional attachment is the subject on my mind lately. Ever since I’ve had my heart broken (by my father, my friends, and ex-lovers), I’ve pretty much cut off any emotional attachment I have with ANYBODY. What I mean by emotional attachment is the attachment to people on a level of emotions. (i.e. becoming sad or upset when people don’t call you to come out and chill, not being answered, etc) If I were to not communicate or ever see some of my friends again, I wouldn’t really care, it’s sad, but very true. What scares is me that this might be true with my family as well… I should see a therapist or something because this can’t be healthy. I don’t even second guess myself when I quit talking to people, I honestly don’t care. In a way, I guess that this is a defense that I’ve built up so that I can’t be hurt by others, a parody of the “hedgehog’s dilemma” I guess? I have no problems making friends and making connections, but I also have no problem breaking it off in a heart beat.

This a message for the ladies, the “hard to get” act does not fly well with me, it will backfire… hard. I will lose interest in you before your next text to me, so don’t even try.

I guess this all traces it’s roots back to my “I don’t take anybody’s shit” part of my personality. If you give me shit, I will probably give you shit back. I would like to also point out that I am a person who does not snap at people when I am stressed or angry, I don’t believe in sharing my problems or projecting it on others. What ever stress or anger I have is mine to keep, I don’t like projecting it into other people. This is why you’ll rarely ever see me talk about my problems with other people, it’s not too bad because I manage to pour it out here.

That’s about all the thinking I’ve been doing lately, I do find it funny how the previous post was all happy and shit and this one is dark. Baseball is a good metaphor for life really… I’ll show you why. Curve balls are like the randomness of life, you never know which way it’s going. Taking a swing is like trying to get at those curve balls with whatever you have and hit it out of the ball park. Basically, this is my metaphor:

Life is like a game of baseball, you gotta take a swing at those curve balls that come at you and hope that you hit it out of the park. Every time you don’t take a swing, you might have missed that one ball that could have given you a home run.

I hope you get that metaphor.

Contentness

For the first time in a while, I feel very content with my life and what I am doing. Yes, I still think of sad things and past memories, but those will probably linger with me for a very long time; this is the first time I feel happy with everything. You would expect a person like myself who always seems to have something wrong to never be happy with anything, but this is very wrong. I am happy quite often and sad quite often as well, but the only thing is that: I never show any of those emotions to anybody. Some people have described me as:

1. Monotone
2. Care-free (not the actual definition you think it is, I’ll explain)
3. Serious
4. Happy-go-lucky
5. Expressionless

I believe all those are true, when you speak to me, I am very monotone and getting some kind of expression out of me is difficult unless it is something truly exciting… (although I kept the same composure even at a track day and I don’t know anything else that can top that kind of fun). I am very serious with most things I do and I don’t like to play around unless the matter at hand is something light; this is where the happy-go-lucky part comes in. And lastly, the part where I am care-free: To many people, I may not show any affection or show care unless you know me on a deeper level. This is something I did not actively intend to do as this is how I was raised. The problems I have, I care about them very much, but I just don’t show it. That is probably why most people think I have no problems or if I do, I don’t care about it.

Anyway, back to the point: Why I am content with life right now?

I’ve realized that I do only three things and they are: Work, School, and ride my motorcycle. I make the bread at work, I learn at school, and I let myself be free by riding. I rarely see any friends besides the people I ride with on weekends and to be honest, I don’t really care. Why? I really don’t know why, I guess I just got used to being alone now. These three things keep me busy and they make me happy believe it or not. Work is great, the pay is pretty good for a college student making enough to pay my bills and pay for my goodies. School is pretty great, I got onto the Dean’s List last semester with a 3.83 GPA which I’m proud of. And riding my bike explains itself already.

I also have a track day coming up on June 27th at SOW and I’m excited for that, my first actual formated track day with the GMR guys. A few setbacks (renewing my car and bike registration and my speeding ticket) have caused me to delay modding my bike for a month or two, but I’ll get back to that ASAP. But yeah, I think life is good right now. Hopefully it’ll stay that way.

Thoughts as of lately

I’ve been quite busy for a while with school and work which I’m quite thankful of, because it keeps me productive. Usually on my day-offs from work and school, I’m too busy just relaxing from all the stresses and fatigue of the day prior, but on nights like this where I have no work until Saturday, I have a chance to think. What’s been on my mind lately has been there for a while, I just never really try to talk about it. The subject of thought right now is my emotions. Everybody around me knows that I’m an ass, not an arrogant one, nor a careless one, but a person who won’t put up with your shit no matter who you are. I have quite a bit of dark humor (that most people probably don’t understand) and a lot of sarcasm involved with what I say quite often. I was never like this to be honest, I used to be very different, I acted very differently and my view on a lot of things were a lot different than they are now. I guess you could say I have a broken heart, not a broken heart from the love between a man and woman (I’m still too young to experience that), but a broken heart from the hardships I’ve faced. I’ll tell a story of how this one caring boy changed into a spiteful, bitter person over a short period of time.

8th-9th Grade.
I guess you could say this is the beginning of my experiences with the opposite sex, although it was one of those middle school things, which lasted for 10 months, which is pretty long I guess for a middle school type relationship. I was naive and happy, the simple things of life excited me and I was carefree. Like many naive young kids, drama was part of the relationship scene I guess, I made a big scene of everything that happened which probably caused the relationship to end. I cared about that relationship, it was my first experience of “you miss what you don’t have” type of thing, but I recovered quick. I learned that lesson: Don’t cause drama and stop being so damn naive.

10th-12th Grade.
I believe this is the time where I got really into cars and my first clique appeared; with the car guys! This is also the start of my longest relationship too. Here is where it gets very complicated… Many things happened in this time where I started to change dramatically… bare with me as I try to explain it all. In my relationship, I faced many hardships… In the beginning of it, I cared tremendously and did everything with her, I spent pretty much every day with her. Then strike one happened (if you know me well enough, you know what I’m talking about). I guess after that, I didn’t realize it at the time, but now I see that I started to care less. I focused more time with the car guys and paid less attention to her.

By this time, it is about mid Spring coming into Summer of my 11th grade year. My car clique had it’s own drama causing everybody to split and go their separate ways slowly (it sucks, because I still miss that group, it was probably what made me really happy at the time and I know that some of those guys feel the same too). Summer of 2007 was probably the worst time of my life, literally… I cannot imagine anything worse than what happened that one summer night. I still remember every detail of that day and that night at the police station with my sister, mom, and the two guys I used to call “brothers”. This event caused the car clique group to temporarily come back together to help support me and I still thank them to this day. Anyway, senior year finally comes and the we all go our separate ways with the exception of the original car guys at the high school. By this time, I’ve started becoming frustrated with my own relationship and how things have started to fall apart. I finally decided to end it in November and I guess that’s where my change actually starts. A month later I sell my car, and get my motorcycle and my group falls apart on me, leaving me behind.

The duration from August of 2007 to January of 2008 is what probably caused my heart to slowly turn cold and start rejecting a lot of things that I thought were true before. The next few relationships until the end of senior year probably caused me to turn colder as they were all like how my ex-girlfriend was like before I ended it. To sum it up, I tried too hard and cared too much and got nothing back in return. By the time I left high school, I had pretty much stopped spending time with any people from high school with the exception of the short period of time where I did near graduation (I guess this was due to the fact that it was just happiness of finally leaving high school). I hated high school. Fuck high school. To be honest, I wouldn’t mind if I never saw anybody from high school ever again except my best friend, I know it sounds harsh, but I have nothing to share with them or to do with them. By now you could say that my heart is pretty much ice cold, but nope, I have one more event to share.

While working at Tapioca Express in the summer, I met a girl, we started dating, things seemed to hit it off. It was going good, until she got a Strike… Like what I mentioned in my previous post, she broke a cardinal rule. This event probably tossed me back into how I felt a year ago and set me back emotionally I guess. I ended it, hoping to cause me less injury and stress and it did.

This may all seem very confusing to whoever reads this and is unfamiliar with my personal stories, but to be honest, this is a summary of everything. What I wrote is not even close to the magnitude and length of the full story. I hope that you get a somewhat obscure picture of my recent life and why I feel the way I do. I’ll try to summarize and define what I wrote above for simplicity’s sake: (Please don’t take what I write as fact, this is what I believe is true and what I have witnessed)

1. I learned that nice guys do actually finish last.
2. There is no point in having a group of close friends, because it probably isn’t real anyway.
3. I used to be the guy who would go out of my way for you, but not anymore.
4. Many, many people cannot be trusted.
5. I used to feel bad if I said something harsh, but I just don’t give a shit anymore.
6. Actions speak louder than words.
7. If you keep a low expectations of things around you, then there is a better chance that it will satisfy you more. (Please note that I am not a pessimist, I am just a realist, and realistically, everything can’t be optimistic)

To sum EVERYTHING up in a paragraph…

The times where I’ve tried so hard and got nothing except pain, the times where I trusted only to be betrayed, and the times where I thought something was true only to find out it’s fake, all these things have caused my heart to turn cold and reject almost everybody and everything.

My thoughts as of lately

I know I haven’t updated my blog in like a month or so, but I’ve been busy and I normally don’t have anything to write unless it’s been on my mind for a while. So I guess I’ll only blog if I have things to express like my thoughts and comments on people, things, or events. I have a few things to talk about.. let’s start with the latter thoughts going back to former. Lately, I’ve always enjoyed helping people out with their thoughts and problems, trying to help them resolve their problems one way or another. I don’t force myself upon them to try and help them, rather they come to me. I don’t mind helping people out with their problems because it helps me become a better person as well by learning and makes me feel good that I am helping a friend. I won’t list any names because I’m not an ass like that and I feel that their privacy should be protected. So here it goes…

If you come to me saying that you have problems with the person you are with and that you want to end it because you’ve had it with them once and for all, don’t say to me that you changed your mind the next day. You were just telling me how you have had it with them and that you’re probably going to end it if they don’t change, I told you, hey do whatever you feel is right and I’ll support you on it. You may all be thinking, “Hey maybe they changed their mind”, hold on just a second there. This person has said that they might break up with the other person at least 3-4 times before and change their mind drastically the next day. The reason why I’m annoyed by this is that: DON’T FUCKING TELL ME ANYTHING IF YOU’RE NOT GOING TO PROCEED WITH WHAT YOU SAY AND NOT LISTEN TO MY ADVICE! The reason why I’m pissed is that I’m your close friend, I care about your well-being and emotional health, it saddens me when you’re upset with the person, but fail to do what is right. This is because it causes you more pain in the long run. Yeah, you can come to me anytime of the day or night and talk to me about stuff, but what’s the point of even telling somebody what you might or will do if you’re not going even do it? If you come to me saying that they piss you off or make you upset and just leave it as that without saying an empty threat towards them, then that’s a different story. I’m your open ear, you can tell me stuff and I’ll listen and give you advice if you want, but just don’t tell me your empty threats towards them. Why even bother right?

Next. (You’ll notice a lot of these are relationship problems for some odd reason)

If you’ve been with the person that has cheated on you, hurt you, and lied to you for almost 3 years and still counting, then something is very wrong with that relationship. Actually no, not relationship, the individual that is being hurt and still continues to be with the other. When we met, we both took an interest in each other and started dating. I talked to you about this a lot, trying to help you resolve your inner demons about that relationship. I thought that when you went to go see him, all would be good and things between you two would finally end. I was so wrong.. You broke that cardinal rule of a relationship that should never be broken (Many of you know what this is). Even though we were still dating, what you did was fucked up and it reverted me back to how I was feeling 1 year ago in the same situation I was stuck in. That was a horrible feeling and I hope to never experience it again. Fast-forward a weeks later and I decided to end it because giving a second chance to whoever breaks a cardinal rule of relationships shouldn’t be given another chance. Fast-forward another few months, and we hooked up again for like a week and that ended quick. Bad mistake on both our parts, but whatever, we learn. Now to the story, you’re now back with the guy who has hurt you before in the past. I thought that after what you learned through me and what you went through before, that you would learn now, but I guess not. I feel like I shouldn’t have even tried to help you out in the first place because it was all for nothing really. I just wish you good luck to you and hope you the best in the future.

Next.

I know I have a temper, face it, that’s just (Ok this isn’t a relationship one, it’s just an interpersonal problem). I know that I get angry quick, but I don’t get angry for no reason, there is always a reason why. Let me list the reasons for you guys:

1. I don’t take shit from anybody, you give me shit, I give you shit right back.
2. I have a very open mind and I know that there are some people in the world that have a closed mind, I am fine with them, but when they spout whatever they judge as a FACT, I see that as a problem. What I mean is that, everybody is entitled to their own opinion, but when you address your opinion as a fact and everybody else’s thoughts are irrelevant, then there is a problem in my eyes.
3. People that want advice and guidance, but do not use what they are given. Why even deal with people like this? You help them out, but they decide to throw out what they learn and do it their own way, then the cycle repeats.
4. FOBs… Oh man. This is America, please speak the Primary Language in this country and don’t get angry at me for not speaking your Native Language. Some fobs are cool, some of them I’m friends with, I’m directing my anger towards the ones that think you’re stupid for not speaking their language in an English speaking country.

I know that some of these might be a close-minded view, and I know it is kind of hypocritical, but I have spent quite a bit of time trying to look at both views and I can’t find any. So I’ve tried, maybe one of you reading might be able to tell me something I haven’t thought of.

Lastly… I would like to address “friends”. I have had many cliques in the past 3 years of my life. They all have come and now are gone. I don’t mind that, I just think it’s funny. Some of those cliques are just modified ones with additional people and some older ones, some are totally new people, and some are old cliques that have resurfaced. Most people cannot live without their social group, they would be totally lost and probably go crazy without them. I used to be like this, I used to have nothing to do without my own social group, but as of lately, I don’t need one. I have many friends that I spend time with once in a while, but no primary group. I have one best friend and he has been there for me for almost 6 years now. What I have noticed is that all my cliques have been bound together by a common interest such as cars or motorcycles. They have all died basically, because of many reasons. I noticed that the only person that I am still in touch with today and still is close with is my best friend who we have a lot in common. My cliques that I have been with, we all had one thing in common and the rest were vastly different, which probably caused the problems. But to my close friend, we have many things in common, not just one, which leads me to believe that that is the reason why we have been friends for so long.

That’s all for now, It’s time for an 8-hour shift at work, yay.

New Tires

So… another rainy day, but I got my tires today from www.cyclesector.com . They were around $250 shipped, they are the Bridgestone BT-002rs, a very good track day/canyon riding tire. I can’t wait to put them on tomorrow at Joe’s place Very excited to try this new rubber. I believe my next set will be some 003 DOTs. I got a pretty nice sizable check from my financial aid because I didn’t use some of it, so I will put it to use by paying bills and getting goodies for myself. Thankfully, it gives me more time to find a job to support myself, but in the mean time this check will do. Next up after putting these stickies on is an oil change, brake fluid change, and possibly a coolant flush.

My plans are to get an R6 in a few months with the help from TK, if I can find a job, it will be much faster. I really want to attend a track day already, but I have my priorities I need to first take care of.

GMR 2.15.2009

I slept over at TK’s house last night to go to GMR in the morning today. We woke up at around 12… Got to GMR around 1-ish and met up with the SBN guys. The conditions were great and Pai was there taking pictures of us, although the area near the lookout was pretty sketchy because of the snow on the side. My front tire started to get loose on me near the last run because they are close to death… I guess it’s time for new tires! Anyway… The picture that Pai took of me today gave me even more inspiration and motivation to ride. MORE THAN USUAL. I’ve improved so much from when I first started riding that I’m amazed… Thanks to TK for forcing me to come out more, Danny for coaching me, Pai for taking pictures, Alvin for riding pace with me, and Jerome for making me ride the 250… (which made me love my bike even MORE). I plan to be dragging knee by May 2009… My goals. I will achieve it if I put my heart and effort into it. I know it.

I went from this…

I wasn't even leaning at all!

To this.

GMR Feb 2009. Picture by Pai

Valentine’s Day

Right now, it’s 3:10am on February 14th, 2009 which makes it Valentine’s Day. I can’t really sleep right now because of so many thoughts in my head. What I have come to realize is that this is the first Valentine’s that I have spent alone in about five years. It’s actually really depressing now that I think about it and look back at it. I’ve always had somebody to share this day of the year whether they were a girlfriend or just a friend, I guess this year, it crept up on me.

Don’t get me wrong, I have my friends around me and I love all of them. I am planning to spend today on my bike (hoping it doesn’t rain) up at GMR with TK and his bike. Him and I joke around saying that our bikes are our Valentines, it’s true, they are. We love our bikes. <3

Even though I don’t want a relationship right now, I long for companionship. I want somebody to hold, kiss, and hug sometimes. It’s very hard to explain to be honest, I want to have somebody to call my own, but at the same time, I don’t want a relationship because I feel that it’s not worth my trouble at the moment. It could be just the fact that I’m still not used to being alone after being with a girl for almost two years; going from spending every minute with her to being by myself is a big change.

I’ve said this before to my friends, “Friends can do a lot for you, but they can’t do what a companion can do for you”. In my view, I feel that a companion can give you the feeling of comfort inside you, being needed by someone else, and being wanted by someone. A friend can do this too I suppose, but to me it’s a whole different level. Like I said, it’s very hard to explain, I hope somebody knows what I mean.

Happy Valentine’s Day.